my journey with children

I have lived for 8 years in Berlin but we had never so much snow.  I love it. Erica as well!!  I go out but with Ava in the scarf. So no sledge, no much playing with snow. Next year!!!! 

 Erica, my first love... She starts sometimes to scream and cry and in the same time also Ava. Then I collapse, I want to cry as well...and exactly like them. Erica cries to be hold in arms especially when it's impossible, if I breastfeed or if Ava cries. I have two arms, I explain to Erica and I can hold you with one arm. One arm for her, one for Ava. But it's not enough she wants to be hold with two arms. So we starts to cry all three of us.  I wish I lived in a tribe with all the family around me... so all the arms of my sisters and brother, and cousin...to be here for my girls. I am tired, I put Ava down, I take Erica in my arms and start to tell her how much I love her, as much as an elephant, but Ava is small and she has also love as an elephant, so the hugs are divided in two. I empathies with her and I understand her so well. I hold her even harder in my arms and repeat all over again, love, elephant, Ava, small. I try to reassure her as many times as she needs until s...

There is so much love for this small being. I can kiss her from morning till night. I feel bad that my heart is not so light so she can feel I am happy. It's not post partum depression. Been there with my first child, done that. It's sadness that I failed to understand or to be wise when I made certain decisions in life. What do you do when you are sad? How do you cheer yourself up? I read jokes... I finish my day reading jokes!

I feel I have a very close observer and copying person next to me, Erica, my daughter of 2 years and 9 months old. Whatever I do with her newborn sister, she does it with her doll. This afternoon, when I breastfeeded Ava, Erica took out one of her tit, saying that now is her turn to breastfeed.

Erica is full of surprises. She is totally in love with her sister, and calls her in all the loving ways in Romanian and German. But she has a bit of a problem of sharing me with her. Especially when I am breastfeeding, she wants all the attention in the world. I try to give her something small to eat and hold her with one arm next to me. Sometimes I prepare her that I will take care of Ava for a bit but then I will play a lot with her because I love them so much equally, without any differences.  I hope it will get better every day, with time, as she is wise and quite mature for her age. 

Today the midwife recommended me to put the hands inside the sleeping sack. In this way the child will sleep more peaceful and longer.  Like this, if she sleeps, 2-3 hours, I can go out to playground with Erica or just to spend more time with her. She wants a lot to be in my arms, to be the baby. 

Erica is so kind with her sister Ava and with me, that I am impressed. 

I almost forgot how it is to be soooo tired after a night of breastfeeding. How women rezist to such tiredness? 

I am having migraines for more than a week, since Ava was born. Not terrible pains, as I know it's possible but still I am not functional.  Did you have migraines after giving birth? What did you do?  I love to take a shower or a bath whenever I have a migrene. Just like as Erica in this photo! Love my girl! 

Out of a sudden, in the afternoon, after four days of peace with Erica, she started to hit me on face. Throw away my glasses. I didn't know what to do. I remembered from a parenting book, that when a child is tired and starts to hit, you need to hold in arms and tell her how much you love her/him. 

Ava was weighted by our midwife today. She eats so well and her body gets stronger and stronger.  After the midwife left the apartment, Erica wanted the same thing: to be weighted like Ava.  Suddenly I see Erica so big, in comparison with Ava, who is so fragile and small . 

Today it was the first day when I went out with Erica and my mother. It still feels like I am walking as a drunk person, not keeping the straight direction. I feel the recovery is so much harder than the one from the first pregnancy. I did get older ...  I try to think I am like the wine, the older, the more tasteful : )! this to make fun of my pain in the bones. I need fresh air even though I feel weak! I watched with Erica a small documentary about Canguru.She loves the character Canga, from Winnie The Puh. These days I feel like Canga, she loves to sleep on my chest and belly, the exact place where she was but inside.  Does it exist any baby who doesn't like this position? 

With two children, I feel my heart is split in two! I find it so strange somehow. The chance is so big suddenly. Last night was the first night with both children.Erica slept through the night, only Ava woke up more times to breastfeed her, changing diaper. Somehow I was stressed that one will wake up the other.  I am happy that Erica didn't have not even on reaction of jealousy. She holds Ava a lot, kisses her, helps me to change diapers. She loves to be involved and she shows so much affection to Ava. I feel grateful and happy. How did you feel in the first week with 2 children?

Erica was so content to have us home. She missed me a lot but when we entered the door with Ava, she passed by me and went directly to her. She was so curious to see her. She waited 9 months and kissed a belly with bebe inside.  She liked to hold her in the arms and we made many things different than before, just to feel it's totally a special day.  First day at home in a body not so fit with two children. How was your arrival at home after giving birth?

It's getting closer to go home. I am happy!!! Erica, my daughter, couldn't come to see us, only my partner for one hour per day (pandemic rules).  We staid 3 days here in order to have this examination 2 for the newborn babies. This includes also a hearing screening, which was done twice today, while Ava was sleeping.  I kept reading during pregnancy different articles about how to handle with your first child when the second one is born. I had this strong wish not to fail in introducing Ava to Erica, and to start the first weeks with the right foot, to make it as easy as possible for Erica. Today, when I got so close from this moment, Erica meeting her sister and starting a different phase in our family, I started to read again, to search for ideas, experiences of other parents. It felt too much at one point. I got so overwhelmed, my space got narrow. I got so tired, streesed and sad... It feels very hard what will come next. So I close all 15 tabs with articles a...

No wonder, new born babies, love this sleeping position the most. They hear almost the same thing while they were inside: heart beat, stomach  and other organs.     Erica still loves it and she is 2 years and 9 months old. Once in a while, very seldom, she says that she wants to stay with the head on my chest or belly in the afternoon, when we relax or sleep.  I have read in many books and articles that this is not recommended but still, here I am in the maternity hospital and I am advised /told that if she wants to sleep like this, to hold her on my chest as much as I can, so she feels the transition from inside out more smoothly.  I am sooooo happy to hold her finally in my arms. She is so delicate, so fragile that I can not yet kiss her as much as I wish.  Did your child love this chest sleeping as well?  instagram

Too tired after labor! I have birth to my second child/girl this evening at 20:03. It was a long prelabor of more than 12 hours and 2 hours at the end of intense contractions.  I am tired and happy in the same time!  Ava! We were holding her in our arms and still didn't know the exact name. How did you chose your child's name?  instagram

When grandma is in the house, Erica is so happy.  Raising your child in another country means that the relationship with the grandmother is through whatsap video calls. Therefore, I didn't imagine she will show so much love and to be so happy with her grandma around.

This pregnancy felt 10 times harder than first.   I remember I didn't feel great with my first child, Erica, as well but  I was able to handle most of the discomforts (nausea, headaches, pains) through rest. Just reading on my sofa, taking a nap from time to time during the day, or slowing everything down. Impossible all of these with Erica around now. She started also not to take naps in the afternoon, therefore no break. It's not only this, Erica's energy but the more belly grew, the more clingy she started to be. It feels she gets more and more scared, even though I try to reassure, to present everything with enthusiasm and with love how it will be with the baby inside the house. Most recently she started to say I am only and only hers, those two hands are hers, my head is hers, all of my body is hers. Plus she is a baby again, she wants to be hold in arms like a baby; a great regress she has, that sometimes blocks me.  I had some contractions and I wanted to lie ...

We have long discussions in bed, before sleeping. She tries very hard to speak in German and Romanian. She mixes words from both languages in one sentence, when there is a sentence. My partner speaks mostly German and I speak Romanian with Erica. However, in her own language, which is funny sometimes, she lately constantly tells me the belly occupies her territory,  in bed.   Tomorrow my mother will come to help  us, while I am in labor and in the hospital. She sees my mother very often on video calls but I always translate what she says in German. This time, in some moments, it will be just the two of them. Hope they will make it with body language, when German doesn't help and Romanian is not enough.  To quote Erica about her sister "bebe raus, mama pot tot"  - translation "when bebe comes out, mama can do all"  Are your children speaking the same language as their grandparents? If not, how did they make it?  Instagram

 The chance to play as much as I want, without feeling that I lose my time with important things as an adult, to make so many silly things with Erica is among the reasons that I truly enjoy in being a mother. I  could have done those of course without having my child around but it's not as fun as when you share the laughter and the complicity with her.  The silliest I get the more she likes it. These days we saw in a book with kindergarten and some children have birds noses and we made as well, a few of them. Actually she wants them now almost every day.  In Corona times, I feel that if you are not creative and silly  yourself but also your child...it's impossible to make it through. Whenever Erica gets bored, she starts to pretend that she bakes a cake. I speak about sillyness and happiness, which I admit I sometimes force myself to bring them outside. Erica has a sort of a skin irritation while  I am stressed with the imminent labor. I just wish she gets ...

Her stubbornness, when my energy gets so low in the afternoon and evening, is something I have to deal almost every day. It pushes my patience limits; actually I need to overcome them with every occasion. I try to keep in mind what are the most important things  like food, time of sleep, being kind with others and us. But then are others things that she wants to be done in her way or only on her own, with no ones help. I find it hard to clean the chaos in the last part of the pregnancy. We clean sometimes together, but sometimes it's a definitive NO. But we adults make the same, sometimes we are able to be flexible and make compromises, other times it's "either my way or the highway": ).  I feel one girl inside needs protection, to be careful how I move, not to make too much effort but on the other hand Erica needs also attention, comfort and to be hold in my arms (when actually there are not so many comfortable hugging ways with a huge belly). This evening she strugg...

I love being a mother.  I was so focused on my studies, on photography my whole life before Erica "popped out". She brought along so much happiness in my life. I found it challenging to balance what I loved so much before - photography, with being a mother  and it took a while to make it through.  There are so many things that I love and cherish about it, things that go beyond words. I kiss Erica from head to toes every time I feel my heart explodes with love. She  tickles, laughs and at the end she says "again". It's a great feeling when I am looking into her eyes or whenever she calls me "mama" or "mami". Sometimes I look around and check it if it's real, am I the one who is she calling? : ) I am very grateful that I will be called by another soul "mama". Even though I had so much stress in the last 9 months and many moments of inner tearing, I felt blessed in the same time. I sensed an uplifting feeling, and I perceived it as...

I have been trying all along to create a bond between my girls. Erica speaks with "bebe" everyday. She kisses the belly, hugs, gives food to the belly and so on. Tells everybody her mother has a big belly with bebe inside. It would be wonderful if they love each other as much as I love my sisters and brother. It's such a unique love and precious; I don't imagine my life without them. With whom could I make my most silliest jokes and have fights that are very fast forgiven by everyone, other then them?  I wonder how it will be Erica when "bebe" is finally outside the belly :)! How would you create this bond even stronger, when the baby is born? 

Expected the unexpected more the second time than the first time! I have never imagined myself a few years ago as a mother of two children. But here I am! I got pregnant for the second time in April 2020, in full lockdown in Berlin and in a full family crises. I already had a daughter of 2 years at that time, Erica. And I was finally happy back in my body, after breastfeeding her for 18 months.  Here I am 9 months later, after a long way. I feel this last year as being almost the hardest in my life. The pregnancy was 10 times more difficult than the firs one.  I have been walking for 10 minutes to the gynecologist check up and I felt like an elephant. I can hardly move, I feel huge, it's so hard to be in my body. It feels like it's not mine anymore. I am very grateful that I will have another baby but.... the little one took fully over my "normally" small body. I breath in and breath out and count the hours, the days, until I get my body back.  I will have another gir...